Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The soul adventure

I find myself at dirt road crossings
To find my dreams and answers
Explore the world, find where my skin
Is more than mine alone

Off to Africa's woodlands deep, to hike amongst the lions
To New Zealand's mountains crag, dash through water's roil.
To Canada where rain whips wind, loneliness is prairie wide
Then a journey where I multiply, patient strength expands

So they grow, as day turns night, and leave me lost behind
On this next adventure I must vanish, or contract, my soul subside.
It's not about the numbers; our age is in our soul
Which has no age, no numbers tell, what the journey's next turn grants.

Current mood: contemplative

Monday, March 26, 2007

Quick knit

Just something quick to say about my knitting, which is taking all the blaze away from my writing these days. I've finished Jessi's diaper bag, including a pocket for the inside, and a neckwarmer out of the most awesome Burly wool (thicker and even softer than bulky), and now I'm working on a ditty bag for Beca to take to camp this summer. I don't know what's gotten into me - perhaps that my stash was starting to overflow? HAHA! I'm really enjoying it. Beca's tanklet came out really well - see for yourself!

I love the model, too!

Current Mood: knottedly productive

Thursday, March 22, 2007

More pukies

The kids are sick here. Again. They were sick. They got better. They are now puking again. And running backwards, too. Poor Ori - he totally doesn't get that the food he keeps wanting to eat is what is coming up again an hour later. Sigh. Beca is sicker, more puke, more discomfort. I am SO ready for the nicer weather! Today it was almost 50F degrees, much more realistic for me. But there is still a foot or so of snow out there, and it was grey and rainy most of the afternoon.

JAC and I have some work to do in the weeks ahead. We both want to move back to the wet coast, but can't quite figure out HOW. HOW is exactly what we need to resolve, because w/out some kind of HOW we are stuck here, in the boiling summer icy winter East Coast. I love the spring and fall here, LOVE it, but really have no love of the equinoxal seasons. I want so badly to move back, I KNOW it's the best place for us all. I don't want to start JAC over, I don't want to push him into something he doesn't love. I want us to find a real niche - what and where are equally important.

I thinking of doing a 3 day/night stay at the Kripalu for This would be 3 nights, so JAC would have to take 2 days off work to make it happen - not sure whether it's worth the vacation days or not. Still debating. I think it would be a lot of fun, I'm just not 100% convinced it'll kick me off on the right foot - it's very nurturing and healing, but also self indulgent and maybe not the most 'work ethic' oriented start to my 4th decade of life. Hmmm...

Still taking lots of photos, and enjoying getting better at the camera and it's many functions. Flickr account is fun! Off to update there next. JAC has been out of town all week, so he's offered to put the kids to bed tonight, and although I was really hoping that Survivor would be on, but it's March Madness, so I guess it wasn't to be. Some down time is cool, though. Tonight was writer's group, but I really didn't know whether JAC would be home in time, so I sort of planned NOT and when he busted through the door at 5:30 - in plenty of time - I hadn't prepped anything for dinner, Beca wanted Tacqueria, we were still working on her History Fair project, and she wanted to go to Aikido at 6pm. It was nice, though, as Brige and Sarah were there and we had good chats.

Ori is talking well, and his vocabulary is growing exponentially. He's not eating well right now, but in general he's doing wonderfully. Beca has been working on her History Fair project on Marian Anderson. What a wonderful character to choose for her research! She has read lots, and remembers about 10%. I suppose that's where I was at her age, too, but it sure is frustrating to watch! I think in general she's doing super well, learning so much and enjoying her life tremendously.

I think that's enough yammering from me today! I'm off to update Flickr and maybe do some writing...

current mood: impatient

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

First movie

I hope this works - my first (feeble) attempt at making a home movie from stills. Kathy - you are my in--spir--ation! :D

So in the future, there will be more, hopefully shorter, maybe more themed. This one is pics from July 2006 - Feb 2007. Lots of fun to see them, but maybe too scattered to really be meaningful.

Friday, March 16, 2007


Go watch and read this, and then come back.

I dried my eyes not a moment ago, the incredible courage and persistent optimism of this family overwhelming my normally emotional response to such stimuli. And then the weight of so many many families with 'imperfectly perfect' children, the children who have MS, CF, MD, tumors and missing mitochondria. It's just incredible how you can forever encourage a person to dream, to live their fullest life, even when their glass - long shy of half full, has barely a drop or two of potential in it. How is it that I give myself permission to have my moody lows, to forget to write, to snap at my kids. I suppose, all in perspective, every single parent has these moments, regardless of how 'perfect' their children are. I let my guilt go, into the universe, and I hope that in its place comes peace, patience, and strength. I can't even think whether I would have to patience, the strength to do what they have done. I can't even get myself to lose the 20 lbs that would get JAC in to see a doctor! But I know that if I did have to, I would use the inspiration of this family, and so many others like them, to pave the path I would travel. And so I pass on their story. I hope it brings you some inspiration too.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

My morning as a refugee

From Camp Baqir

I start this at 8:20am. We have been up since about 6:15. Ori nursed twice, walked around, moved things, came back to bed. We got up to say good morning and goodbye to Beca and Daddy. The kitchen is now tidied, the dishwasher loaded, the toddler fed. Tea is steeping. The beds are aired and made, the diapers are in the laundry, I am dressed, Ori is dressed. There is still much to do, but I am feeling pretty satisfied with the first hour of my day. :D Then I hear on NPR about the Iraqi refugees, about women who have children to care for and who have no resources, no one to depend upon for income, because they are under arrest by the US, or murdered by a car bomb, or by Sadaam. I can't get iTunes to burn a CD of audiobooks for me, and my knitting is at a bitty frustrating point, but I have food for a month in this house, and we have healthy people in this house and we have this HOUSE - this 2740sq. feet of private, personal, safe space. There is a TV that will entertain and enlighten my children when I have absolutely had enough and need the break. There are radios that have news casts to keep us in the loop (accident on 87S this morning, people died, trucks overturned; Shrub realizes for THE FIRST TIME? that there ARE Iraqi refugees), we have so many good books, stories to whisk us away to foreign lands, fairy escapes, adventures on the ocean or in the desert. And the toys and clothes and hand creams and pots and pans and - not least - computers (three!). I don't feel I am not worthy of these things, but the perspective is enlightening. I want to guess what an Iraqi refugee does in her morning.

6am wake self, walk to toilets, wait on line to pee, return via spigot to get water.
6:30 set water to boil for tea, wake children.
6:45 sweep sleeping area, bring carpets outside, beat carpets
7am wash baby, using last of water
8am children off to school, or to beg, or to play in the filth, go get more water
8:30 wash nappies
8:55 wash clothes
9:25 hang clothes, beat carpets 2nd time
9:40 bring in carpets, stack along back wall. tidy from tea.

She hasn't eaten, neither have her children. She must now figure out how to find some protein for their day. Some eggs, perhaps, or a shank of bone for soup. I all of a sudden don't neeeeeed that break I've been craving. Our sitter canceled on our Saturday night plans, so maybe we'll find someone through the coop, maybe not. Either way, I think we'll be fine. :D

Current Mood: Grateful

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Recent Pictures I like

JAC's train table for Ori in progress. Well done my fuzzy man! You are a ROCKIN dadda. <3

Beca after sledding with Maria

Ori walking in to the sun.

Sunset on Woodmont.

Current mood: productive.

Time alone

Time alone is at a premium these days. Living in the moment is wonderful, and helping me to heave myself over the humps of sensitivity when I'm feeling touched out and not getting breaks. Right now I have some time, quiet, sweet alone time. Ori is sleeping, Beca and JAC are skiing at Jimminy. It's snowy and cold outside, and there are endless tasks and chores calling me. I am enjoying ignoring those piping calls of conscience. I can listen to my ipod, or the tinkling of the waterfall in the living (have I mentioned how much I love the redone living room!), and atually hear them, hear myself think. It's lovely. I think this is what people miss most who lose the partnership. Thinking of J and what she is going through, the weepy mornings, the sobbing at night, the feeling of failure. S has walked out on her, and bought a new home in town here. The kids can walk back and forth between the two houses. He says "J and I have separated" but she hasn't, she isn't. She continues to have to sever him from her thoughts and their lives, after trying for so long to incorporate him almost against his will. Although she wasn't/isn't surprised, there is shock. This happened. This happened to me. This happened to me now. And I would most miss having the break from one whom I trust with the children, with the house, whom I know I will appreciate even more for their contribution to our lives. I would miss that desperately.

My own tarot using the Prediction Tarot Deck obtained in a MDC swap:

1. Queen of Staves (wands)
2. 3 of Wheels (pentacles)
3. 5 of Cups
4. Judgement
5. Knight of Swords
6. Page of Cups
7. 6 of Wheels Reversed
8. 2 Staves
9. Queen of Cups Reversed
10. 8 of Cups

Wow. Lots of cups.

Ok, this was done in the Celtic spread.
1. concern (question) Queen of Staves. Sympathy, understanding, love, worthiness. Pitta. Desiring success, positive advisor. An authority figure who is ambitious, and shines in all her endeavors. She requires attention and admiration (ego feeding) but is a loyal friend and is fun to be with. She has very high expectations.

Boy is that ever me! Wow. Yes - who am I? Where shall I go from here? Appreciating all that I have, I know that I have a debt to society that only finding my passion will fulfill. Will I find it? Will I figure out my path?

2. obstacles 3 of Pentacles. I am good at what I do. Creative talents bring financial rewards. Communications regarding my success, and having faith in my abilities. Hmmm. How are these obstacles? Not believing yet in my own self, my own power? Wondering whether my abilities are enough to carry me through? It wasn't reversed, maybe it is relying too much on intuition and not enough work going into it? Will have to find better balance there.

3. objectives 5 Cups Getting over things, moving past my negative memories. The book I'm working with actually says broken marriage, and fickleness in love. I don't think that's exactly what I called, though. More like needing more from my marriage, needing more support from JAC in ways he hasn't had the opportunity to see, or me trying too hard to need from him. Neding to move more independently.

4. thoughts/feelings Judgement. Awareness. Faith, higher mind, awakening, understanding. Being aware that there is inspiration inside that I can tap into, that will offer itself to me. A portal into the universe to which I am given access whenever I choose. Getting into the 'zen' of writing is not that difficult, and believing in what I produce is easy when I am tapped in. Finding a way to balance this knowledge with the material need to carve out time to tap in, to write, is hard and I need to be zen about finding that time.

5. past Knight of Swords A messenger who brings news of problems and troubles. The knight carries a sword, showing aggressive behaviour. Messages are of conflict, anger, feelings of frustration. Oh! Oh my god! How appropriate! I recently wrote on a thread at MDC that what I'd really like to grow is my ability to process my anger before it hurts those around me. How amazing! I did get angry at Ori today - his 2yo tantrums are picking up speed and turbidity. The second time he freaked out (over a diaper change) I totall ignored him. I sat in the rocking chair in his room and he stood stomping on his changing table, screaming, crying. I read my book. About every minute or two I looked up, made eye contact, and asked him if he was ready to get cleaned up. When he finally told me he was ready, he was. Not another peep. I handled it like a pro! Letting that monkey of frustration and anger go is hard hard hard. But incredibly empowering. And maturing.

6. immediate future Page of Cups Psychic ability, love, creativity. The page brings good news concerning relationships and marriages. Can be oversensitive and vulnerable. Yup - I've been gaining momentum in my self-trust and have been reading more tarot. Welcoming it. I've revisited my Reiki III attunement many times in recent days. I don't think I'd ever use it to make money, it's not where I'm at. But I do think I could use it to help myself make money through writing or other creative endeavour.

7. attitude about the question 6 pentacles (wheels) This card symbolizes learning to be fair, making good choices, Choosing new ways to make money, helping the less fortunate. In terms of the question, it is suggestive that I am still in the learning phase of balancing the work with my family life, and how to pay for the endeavour. It's not a cheap thing to get a book published, to find the time to write it, etc. So there are some bumps coming, I need to be aware of that and not allow them to stop me. of get so carried away that I go overboard.

8. outside influences 2 staves (wands)I know my work, I use my knowledge, I desire balance in my life. Using will and ego in work. Hmmm - suggesting that I am aware of these things may make finding the balance easier. Also, knowing that I NEED my ego and my intuition to make my work amazing, I know that I need to have the support of those around me.

9. hopes and fears Queen of Cups Reversed Bad temper, jealousy, resentful and harboring grudges. Scorpio man (RJL or JAC?) Emotions are drained. I AM afraid of this!!! I am afraid that my temper will get the better of me at any given moment. Almost that I have no ability to control myself, though I know that this is not true. I have improved remendously over time, and I know that I will continue to do so. I think it might also refer to the fact that I tend to rush things, make them happen as quickly as possible. This will not bode well for my work. (Ori's up)

10. final outcome 8 Cups. Strength on the journey, searching for spiritual enlightenmet, letting go of past emotional experiences. Trusting my intuition, and allowing my life to develop as they are meant to - not as I plan them. Sounds good to me!!!

Current mood: Very positive

Thursday, March 01, 2007

It's been a great week, so far. Tomorrow Beca's teachers are going to a big Montessori conference in NYC, so the kids have off. JAC has been out of town. We settled something that's been kind of hanging over my conscience for a long time - WHOM to godparent the children to! When it was just Beca, it made sense to ask Ken and Di. But with Ori, it doesn't make the same kind of sense. It's a huge relief to me to have asked Sheri, who will be a wonderful godmama.

I've been reading a lot of tarot recently. Brig and I had a lovely tea and read her tarot, though without a moments peace. Doorbell, phone, poopy diapers, and right at the end, Brent brought little R over. Life was great for about an hour, then O was melting and needed to nap. Beca came home before R got picked up, so honestly I didn't have 20 seconds to myself all day! But it was fun and passed the time nicely. JAC is home tonight, and B and I will go off to celebrate Brian's 41st. He feels like an old man, but he's in good shape, me thinks.

I am actually feeling much happier about life - the writing is moving...slowly but surely. Ok, more later...aikido and Brig and Brian call. :D

Current mood: uplifing