Wednesday, November 28, 2007


I am sometimes at such a loss, with JAC things are just rolling along great and then BAM! I've hit a wall. He and I can sometimes forget to talk to each other for days at a time (and actually the little stuff like Girl Scouts in the evening or a dentist appointment for him are not such an issue - it's the BIG stuff that tends to build up and then go kerplunk in a bit of a disaster), and then catch up is such a freaking bitch, it just feels like we've got chasms to leap and there's no other way across other than the leap of faith. And we've both been burned. Tonight I went to part I (of II) of a Non-Violent Communication workshop. The gals running it are fun and easy to listen to. The class was pretty packed, and it was terrific listening to people's comments. I got to ask a couple of key questions for me, and it was nice to have had time to listen and think before trying to problem solve the Beca/school project issue. People had some great ideas. Giving myself empathy was probably the most impactful suggestion made, for me. Amazing how infrequently I do this. Hopefully it will give me the power to look inward enough to not need her to deal with my own stuff, so I can deal with my own stuff and she can (maybe) deal with hers. ??? It's confusing, that's for SURE. I think in general I really need to focus on being responsible for my own feelings, and for giving other people information about me, rather than opinions/judgments. That, I think, is a good place to begin this part of the journey.

Friday, November 23, 2007

I don't know how to say it all

Last night I opened the puter late, around 11. I checked emails, I said hello to the wise women, then checked df. And there it was. A post from Jeni with an MDC link. I linked, and was toppled by what it said. I called that late, thinking that either it was a hoax and they'd think what a freak! Or it was true, and Larry would still be up. Probably most of the night. He was up. Probably most of the night. My friend Laura, 36 years old and otherwise healthy, is dead. She leaves a neigh turned 3yo and a special needs 5 yo, her husband, and her extended family and friends behind. To me, LAura was the epitome of female strength. She birthed 2 preemie babies, and was there, by their sides, every day for months. Longer for M than for K. She pumped milk for that baby for SEVEN freaking months, giving her the absolutely best food and love she could. Finally M took to the breast (and never looked back lol!). Laura lived through the Navy, through neglect in her childhood, and through a marriage full of all the foibles that every marriage encounters. And she faced it all with patience, love, grace, gratitude, and strength. She spent days on medications that incapacitated her, left her shaking and puking and unable to walk to the toilet - to keep her baby in a few more days. She patiently worked with K and the potty issues, with M and the nursing issues, with L and his own needs and issues. I don't know what he will do now - appreciate the amazing woman he married in a way we can't while our loved ones are still alive. But he will manage, perhaps become more of a man than he ever dreamed of becoming because of this. And the little ones, who will have little in the way of memories of their mama, it's just too horrible for me to think about. All the love and energy she poured into them, the consideration and thoughtfulness, the planning and mulling over of ideas and they will remember none of it. They are just too small. I don't know what to say to it all. I feel inadequate to the task of writing about someone I admired and loved this much, how big and full her life was of STUFF - coops and hs groups and play groups and therapy for K and her MW work and her night job and all the neighbors and people and family who each have their own memories of her. Laura will be dearly missed in her corporeal form, and so welcome and met with such gratitude in her spiritual one.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


T-giving, that is! Wed. morning before the storm. We are cleaning up for Ryan and
Catherine who are staying here tonight, while we zoom (hopefully) down to NYC. I would like to get going here with laundry and cooking so that I can do it before 4pm, but it's not looking real good. Sigh.

So I was thinking about why that BECAUSE I SAID SO video was so freaking popular - no less than 6 people sent it to me, and many others spoke of it to me in passing. UGH! And Here, Scott Noelle put is quite perfectly into words that work for me. It is too repetitive of the negative things I grew up with - having my power diminished by those bigger and more powerful, being told my intuition holds no water, given few choices and not liking the ones I got. In gerenal being treated as if my childhood were a disease I would eventually outgrow and I'd look back on it and see all the jell-o flavor colorings as the high points and those lows? Well, they just blend into the background of days and nights of unrequited love that turn into days and nights of unrequited love in my 20's. Different love, but that feeling of being lonely and somewhat at a loss is still there. And it's still sad.

Anyway, that being said, we are looking forward to getting away for a few days, even if to NYC (which is not where I'd personally pick to spend 4 or 5 days away from home lol), to seeing the Corns and having some FUN! If I try to make the holiday about gratitude, it just falls apart. So for me it's about family and fun and food and that's going to have to be enough.

Gratuitous picture of D'Ar and the kids to leave you with.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Knit it forward!

Pay it Forward with Stitches!!
I saw this on ChattyCat's blog, and I'm totally game for paying it forward!

Inspired by this. To participate, please leave me a note in the comments, and I'll craft something especially for you, the first three (only three?) respondents and post it out within the next 6 months. It could be knitted or it might be sewn. Depends who it's going to, if you see what I mean? Also, if you can, please consider doing the same yourself. I know a lot of knitters give a lot to charity, but this isn't charity. It isn't because there exists a need, or a void to be filled. It's because you'll make someone smile, and make the world a better place.

YIPPEE!!! Let's get stitching to make someone else smile!!!

Monday, November 05, 2007

What to say when it's all been said before...

I have been blog reading recently, people on Wwow, and other places I like to visit, uplift, share etc. I am constantly impressed that these mom's (mostly) have the time and clarity of thought to write such inspiring words! It's a wonderful thing to be able to read about someone's heart-crushing divorce, how they watched their partner (and his buddies) dismantle the home they shared for years, and somehow she will find the light coming through the clouds. It's so fabulous and warming to read about the daughter who was saved from toxic poisons (mostly through allopatric medical treatments like vaccines) and, though somewhat brain damaged, lives a whole and generously childish existence. Words of wisdom just escape me. I have none. I have moans about my period, and groans about teachers who give time outs. I have complaints about the mail system (where IS my ergo!?!) and ideas about what to do with a grumpy two year old. But mostly I just feel numb at the end of every day. I joined NaNoWriMo but I really haven't been able to write much more than my normal occasional spurt. It's too frustrating. Saturday is a meet up at Brugger's, and I want to go, and I do have 3 pages I can print and bring. I'm just not feeling very inspired. Blah. When it's all been said, the good, the bad, the inspirational, I feel like a bit of silence is perhaps golden.

Off to drink some beautiful moon time tea and meditate on the silence, I think. :D

I leave you with this image of youthful impishness.