Time alone

Time alone is at a premium these days. Living in the moment is wonderful, and helping me to heave myself over the humps of sensitivity when I'm feeling touched out and not getting breaks. Right now I have some time, quiet, sweet alone time. Ori is sleeping, Beca and JAC are skiing at Jimminy. It's snowy and cold outside, and there are endless tasks and chores calling me. I am enjoying ignoring those piping calls of conscience. I can listen to my ipod, or the tinkling of the waterfall in the living (have I mentioned how much I love the redone living room!), and atually hear them, hear myself think. It's lovely. I think this is what people miss most who lose the partnership. Thinking of J and what she is going through, the weepy mornings, the sobbing at night, the feeling of failure. S has walked out on her, and bought a new home in town here. The kids can walk back and forth between the two houses. He says "J and I have separated" but she hasn't, she isn't. She continues to have to sever him from her thoughts and their lives, after trying for so long to incorporate him almost against his will. Although she wasn't/isn't surprised, there is shock. This happened. This happened to me. This happened to me now. And I would most miss having the break from one whom I trust with the children, with the house, whom I know I will appreciate even more for their contribution to our lives. I would miss that desperately.

My own tarot using the Prediction Tarot Deck obtained in a MDC swap:

1. Queen of Staves (wands)
2. 3 of Wheels (pentacles)
3. 5 of Cups
4. Judgement
5. Knight of Swords
6. Page of Cups
7. 6 of Wheels Reversed
8. 2 Staves
9. Queen of Cups Reversed
10. 8 of Cups

Wow. Lots of cups.

Ok, this was done in the Celtic spread.
1. concern (question) Queen of Staves. Sympathy, understanding, love, worthiness. Pitta. Desiring success, positive advisor. An authority figure who is ambitious, and shines in all her endeavors. She requires attention and admiration (ego feeding) but is a loyal friend and is fun to be with. She has very high expectations.

Boy is that ever me! Wow. Yes - who am I? Where shall I go from here? Appreciating all that I have, I know that I have a debt to society that only finding my passion will fulfill. Will I find it? Will I figure out my path?

2. obstacles 3 of Pentacles. I am good at what I do. Creative talents bring financial rewards. Communications regarding my success, and having faith in my abilities. Hmmm. How are these obstacles? Not believing yet in my own self, my own power? Wondering whether my abilities are enough to carry me through? It wasn't reversed, maybe it is relying too much on intuition and not enough work going into it? Will have to find better balance there.

3. objectives 5 Cups Getting over things, moving past my negative memories. The book I'm working with actually says broken marriage, and fickleness in love. I don't think that's exactly what I called, though. More like needing more from my marriage, needing more support from JAC in ways he hasn't had the opportunity to see, or me trying too hard to need from him. Neding to move more independently.

4. thoughts/feelings Judgement. Awareness. Faith, higher mind, awakening, understanding. Being aware that there is inspiration inside that I can tap into, that will offer itself to me. A portal into the universe to which I am given access whenever I choose. Getting into the 'zen' of writing is not that difficult, and believing in what I produce is easy when I am tapped in. Finding a way to balance this knowledge with the material need to carve out time to tap in, to write, is hard and I need to be zen about finding that time.

5. past Knight of Swords A messenger who brings news of problems and troubles. The knight carries a sword, showing aggressive behaviour. Messages are of conflict, anger, feelings of frustration. Oh! Oh my god! How appropriate! I recently wrote on a thread at MDC that what I'd really like to grow is my ability to process my anger before it hurts those around me. How amazing! I did get angry at Ori today - his 2yo tantrums are picking up speed and turbidity. The second time he freaked out (over a diaper change) I totall ignored him. I sat in the rocking chair in his room and he stood stomping on his changing table, screaming, crying. I read my book. About every minute or two I looked up, made eye contact, and asked him if he was ready to get cleaned up. When he finally told me he was ready, he was. Not another peep. I handled it like a pro! Letting that monkey of frustration and anger go is hard hard hard. But incredibly empowering. And maturing.

6. immediate future Page of Cups Psychic ability, love, creativity. The page brings good news concerning relationships and marriages. Can be oversensitive and vulnerable. Yup - I've been gaining momentum in my self-trust and have been reading more tarot. Welcoming it. I've revisited my Reiki III attunement many times in recent days. I don't think I'd ever use it to make money, it's not where I'm at. But I do think I could use it to help myself make money through writing or other creative endeavour.

7. attitude about the question 6 pentacles (wheels) This card symbolizes learning to be fair, making good choices, Choosing new ways to make money, helping the less fortunate. In terms of the question, it is suggestive that I am still in the learning phase of balancing the work with my family life, and how to pay for the endeavour. It's not a cheap thing to get a book published, to find the time to write it, etc. So there are some bumps coming, I need to be aware of that and not allow them to stop me. of get so carried away that I go overboard.

8. outside influences 2 staves (wands)I know my work, I use my knowledge, I desire balance in my life. Using will and ego in work. Hmmm - suggesting that I am aware of these things may make finding the balance easier. Also, knowing that I NEED my ego and my intuition to make my work amazing, I know that I need to have the support of those around me.

9. hopes and fears Queen of Cups Reversed Bad temper, jealousy, resentful and harboring grudges. Scorpio man (RJL or JAC?) Emotions are drained. I AM afraid of this!!! I am afraid that my temper will get the better of me at any given moment. Almost that I have no ability to control myself, though I know that this is not true. I have improved remendously over time, and I know that I will continue to do so. I think it might also refer to the fact that I tend to rush things, make them happen as quickly as possible. This will not bode well for my work. (Ori's up)

10. final outcome 8 Cups. Strength on the journey, searching for spiritual enlightenmet, letting go of past emotional experiences. Trusting my intuition, and allowing my life to develop as they are meant to - not as I plan them. Sounds good to me!!!

Current mood: Very positive